The Pros and Cons of Working with Morons

Americans all over the country are suffering.  The housing market is in the crapper, jobs are scarce and the American dollar isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on.  These are tough times and there’s little hope that things will be returning to normal any time soon.  People are being laid off left and right, and it’s gotten to the point where even a masters degree is no guarantee of employment.

Unfortunately I do work and I work with morons…

I should start off by saying that not everyone I work with is a moron, just most of them (which is the case with all jobs).  The fat waste of good oxygen sitting in front of me, he’s a moron.  My boss, he’s definitely a moron.  My other boss, she’s an even bigger moron.  Half the people who share the same job title as me, they’re morons.  And sadly, I too am a moron.  Me being a moron is probably the only reason I got this job in the first place.

Let me paint a picture for you fine people.  I showed up for my job interview three years ago wearing crusty Levi 501 jeans, Nike’s, and my lips were stained purple from the previous night’s jug of cheap screw top wine.  To make matters worse I was sporting a shirt that read “Vietnam, We Were Winning When I Left”, and I still gets the job right there on the spot!  Apparently I was qualified to work here simply because I could find the place.  This is the theory I’ve adopted.  The sheer amount of stupidity that roams the halls of 1475 Park Avenue South is astronomical.  But even a place as lax as this has pros and cons.

Show up whenever you want!  They can’t seem to read a clock with hands.
“You’re late.” – moron
“Am I?” – me
Idiot looks at the clock and starts to count on her Hi-C stained fingertips.
“Wait I don’t know no more, is you?” – moron
“Nope.” – me
“Okay!  (durffffph) See ya at snack time!” – moron

No one remembers if and when you actually accomplish something worthy of praise (unless you got a nice set of tits that is).  Trust me I don’t mean to be sexist, lord knows my boss has been ass slapped with more than a few sexual harrassment charges throughout his career.  The only reason he’s still got a job is because his bosses are too damn lazy to train someone for two days and replace him.  I guess me using the words “tits” is pretty sexist, but hey I’m a sexy man why shouldn’t I be the sexist-iest man?!

Since morons don’t remember shit, it gives you unlimited leeway to screw up left and right for months (or years) on end without being caught, checked up on, or discussed in a negative light.  How do you think it’s possible for me to write these blogs all day?  I’m getting paid right now to do this and sure as shit WordPress ain’t picking up the tab!

The odds of ever getting promoted or recieving a substantial raise are minimal at best.  Since I don’t know shit about comic books or being a virgin, that puts me on the outs with my male boss.  Likewise, since I’m not a raging rockabilly lesbian at the tail end of a failed marriage that puts me on the outs with my female boss as well.

You get to do A LOT of bitching, which usually makes people laugh and has on occasion gotten you some pity sex at the local pub.  People please don’t discredit pity-sex, pity-sex gets the job done.  My family and I have survived off the scraps of pity-sex for generations.

Your life is not your own.  You can’t just wake up in the morning and go “fuck it I’m not working today”, sure you can pull that smack once or twice but three times or more and you’re running the risk of a serious shitcanning.  Long over are the carefree days of cutting class and telling your 5th Period English teacher to kiss your ass.  Now you’re a working stiff and that translates into you trading your very life force each and every day for pennies.

I am an idiot, I don’t think there’s any disputing that.  I talk out of my ass all the time.  I curse other people’s success.  I barely have any education to speak of.  Hell if it weren’t for this job I’d be out on the street sucking off the first person who waved a crack rock in my direction.  I work in a business overrun with idiots and I’m no different.  This place sucks, it’s a horrible soul-diminishing shithole BUT it allows me to eek out a living, shitty as it may be, and right now that’s what I need more than anything.

My bosses bosses bosses know this and use it to control all the employees here.  And it’s working!  They squeeze the common man like my grandma squeezes an orange into her Medimucil.

In Closing:
It’s a vicious cycle but a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do to keep liquor in his belly.  And my belly loves to be filled with sweet brown scotch.  Work=Scotch, it’s as simple as that.

Post Script:
“Work=Scotch” would have probably been a better headline for this piece but like I said I’m a lazy idiot who can’t be bothered to scroll all the way to the top.

– Mike James

Published in: on September 2, 2008 at 3:58 pm  Comments (3)  

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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I love this!! It sums up my company….. surrounded my total morons – I go home and curl up into the fetal position and rock myself to sleep with a bottle of vodka in the darkest corner I can find.

  2. I work with morons, drug addicts, felons, prozac people; an Indian casino. I don’t dare leave, and I don’t drink anymore. I am a chef who cleans the kitchen as no else is sober enough or could care less. I stay employed, with medical, dental benefits. I am lucky and work with morons.

  3. Outstanding.

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