My Life is Empty, Boring and Meaningless…


…So much so, that I can’t even think of what to post anymore. Nothing happens to me! I’m a robot and all I do is go to work and get drunk after.  


I got my lottery tickets today and I’m hoping in my heart of hearts to win that jackpot!  $15,000,000 is a lot of cash.  Here’s my solemn Mega Millions Lottery oath:


Should I Win the Lottery I Will:

1. NOT donate a single penny to any charities, orphanages, the church, or needy families.  It’s my money dammit, I lucked into it and I’m gonna squander it how I see fit.  It’s not my fault a tidal wave destroyed your hometown or your momma’s addicted to crack rock, blame God for those problems.  Coincidentally:  Attention all prostitutes, whores, goldbrickers, women of the night and barely legal teens, your millionaire gravy train is officially leaving the station!

All Aboard Bitches!!

All Aboard Bitches!!

2. HIRE an assassin to end my fat clump of shit co-worker’s life.  You all know who I’m talking about.  He’s fat, he smells like a ball sack, he carries his keys clipped to his belt like a janitor and he’s gonna be drowning in a pool of his own bile.

3. FINALLY buy myself an apartment worthy of my true inner majesty.  It’s about time the outside reflected the inside.  That’s right, a pussy warehouse that specifically caters to my every deviant fantasy and perversion.  That means waterslides, dumbwaiters, a trampoline, massive gun collection, huge rotating bed in the shape of an “M”, secret passages in the walls, private security team of ex-DELTA Force, all that.  Plus I’ll hire a loving yet surly maid who’ll take care of me and treat me like the son she’s happy she never had.  Basically I want Webster’s house…..only underwater.


I hope these guys are still available

I hope these guys are still available

4. REFUSE to buy my parents a house, even though that’s what you’re supposed to do when you get rich, I vow that I will not do this.  My mother and father neglected to purchase me a Big Foot power wheel when I was a kid.  Unfortunately for them that was the first and last straw, I never forgot it.  No house for them and that’s final!  In fact I might use my new found wealth to burn down the house they’re currently living in as a penalty!

This idiot should have been ME

This idiot should have been ME

5. MARRY the Pornstar Tory Lane.  Baby I love you!  You are the nastiest of the nasty, the sluttiest of the slut, the dirtiest of the dirt and so help me I’m gonna make you Mrs. James.  If I have to pay your adult movie star day-rate for the entire time we’re married I’ll do it.  Some of you might be asking yourselves “Why a porn star Mikey? Why not a virgin? Or a famous actress perhaps?” Well fools I’m rich and I can buy whoever I want and I want to buy Tory!  TORY please accept my hand in Holy Matrimony Greasy Baloney Pony!

6. BRIBE normal folks to do horribly emotionally scarring things.  I win the money first thing I’m gonna do is pick a happily married couple off the street at random.  I’ll pay the man 10 G’s to let me bang his wife.  After the sex is over I’ll completely welch on the money!  That’s right Indecent Proposal style, it’s an oldie but goodie.  If the jealous and destroyed husband comes after me I’ll  have one of my private security team snap his neck like a breadstick.

7. GO on a Midget Safari – I think this one is self explanatory.

8. PURCHASE and reclaim what should have always been mine.  In addition I’ll also kidnap the owner of and I’ll force him into backbreaking slavery, afterwards I’ll sell his lifeless corpse to the Body Exhibits, thus adding capital to my already massive fortune.  Coincidentally the new will revolve around each and every mind-numbing aspect of my now super-rich lifestyle.

9.  FIX IT so that Paul Walker (the worst actor who’s ever lived) would walk no more!  I’ve had it with this guy, he’s a weed and he pops up everywhere for no reason whatsoever.  He’s a talentless hack and deserves the steely fate of a wheelchair and respirator.

You Fucking Dweeb, DIE!

You Fucking Dweeb, DIE!

10.  CREATE a brand new 13 o’Clock that would be in effect only on Friday and Saturday nights!  That means the new pecking order is 11 PM, 12 AM, 13 AM, 1 AM.  This way we can all relax just a little bit harder on the weekends.  Of course by then I won’t care what you peons do with your weekends because my entire existence will be like one long weekend.  A weekend full of fun and sex and booze and hard narcotics and guns and pony rides and porn expos and rigging of baseball games and cotton candy and elephant hunting (both the real thing and the archaic fratboy practice of asking a fat chick out on a date only to horribly embarrass her in front of your friends) and all that jazz!  It’s gonna be sweet. 


– Mike James (Future Admiral of the Earth)

Published in: on September 14, 2008 at 8:34 pm  Comments (1)  
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