Damn It Feels Good To Be a Gangsta


I just got back from a 95 minute lunch break. Now my job isn’t anything special, in fact it’s downright shitty, so if you think I work in the type of place that allows for a 95 minute lunch break you’re dead wrong. But on days like today I sometimes can’t help but escape from the office in the middle of the afternoon and seek refuge in the cosy confines of a cheap bar. Not Flingers, or Chotchkie’s, or any of the other fictitious TGIF-esque eateries of Office Space fame. Nope, the place I went to was a small dumpy haven known as Desmond’s. Now don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Desmond’s, despite it being a dump, because it’s my dump. It’s brightly lit, which is uncommon for a bar, and the drinks are as cheap as the waitresses. It affords me the convenience of near instantaneous obliteration as well as semi-comfortable surroundings reminiscent of a 1950’s Union Hall.

Desmond's was good enough for Hoffa

Jimmy "Desmond" Hoffa

Now, anyone who knows me personally, understands that I’d sooner spend 95 minutes trying to fish my apartment keys out of an outhouse shitter than spend it sitting at my desk. I’d rather do anything than sit at my desk. If someone came walking into my office right now and said, “Attention! We’re gonna need everyone to form TWO LINES, the line on the LEFT is for lube-less prostate exams. The line on the RIGHT is to continue working”. Which would you choose? Because I’d choose the ass fisting. That’s how much I hate it here. I’ve got a serious case of the Mondays, and since I’m a bitter motherfucker, I hope you all do as well.

two chicks at the same time man

two chicks at the same time man

– Mike James
(who obviously watched Office Space last night)

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Published in: on September 29, 2008 at 4:26 pm  Comments (12)  
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12 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Dude, I’m beginning to think that you just like the anal fisting anyway. Highly suspect my friend, highly suspect. Anyway, amusing post (sorry I still prefer post to poast). And that reminds me, it’s been too long since I’ve seen office space. I miss my red stapler…

  2. Really good writing, Michael, as always. Your ‘I Hate Mondays’ rant is a little bit Chandleresque and the rest is all you.

  3. That’s a decent movie

  4. Damn man way to spread the love!!! I am glad i like my job. Sorry man.

  5. Hey fuckwad,

    Didn’t know the link on your TIBU profile was to your own blog. Good shit, bro. I’ll leave you with this, homepiece.

    http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4048219840042016856&ei=pH3hSJjLGpH8rAKfupmiAw&q=greenman+it%27s+always+sunny&vt=lf&hl=en

  6. Workn I love you!

  7. Hey Mike,

    I understand your feelings. I just wanted to give you my 2 cents if you don’t mind. (I assume that you don’t mind since you have a public blog.)

    Things could definitely be much worse. You work at an Irish Pub in NYC and have a better job than a lot of other people could wish for in this world we live in.

    I suggest, cherish what you have. Many people would sacrifice a whole lot to have your job or be in your current situation.

    I am not saying that your job is the greatest, it’s just that some people in the world have it much much worse. I live in Peru, and I have seen people survive under the most difficult conditions with little other options to better themselves in the future.

    I invite you to come down and see for yourself. I guarantee you that it will be an eye-opener for you. Don’t get upset and take it the wrong way buddy, many people in the USA don’t realize how good they have it. If you dislike your job, leave and quit. I am sure you can find something else that you will like better. Only you can decide what it is that makes YOU happy.

    Be positive, take a deep breath and look around at all that you have, and all that is available to you on a regular basis. Many people do not enjoy this luxury. Enjoy your life, enjoy your job, enjoy everything to its fullest as it comes to you. I know you will not regret doing so.

    When I see a woman on the corner (where she basically lives) with her infant child in her arms, falling asleep because she can no longer keep her eyes open, selling candies and drinks for pennies on the dollar, it touches me. It makes me realize how much better I have it than the majority of the world.

    With that, I learned how to enjoy my job more, I now enjoy my family and time spent with them much more. I enjoy everything that I used to take for granted now much more.

    Best wishes Mike…

    I wish you happiness and success in your future…

    A.Y.

  8. A 95 minute lunch break? You ass kisser, are you trying to make us 3-hour-lunchers look bad?

    Now please, drop your pants and grab your ankles. I’d like to say this won’t hurt, but that would be a lie.

  9. Poor Mikey! I told you one day you would like getting stuck up your butt šŸ˜› ahha! The other day I was so bored…I took a three and a half hour lunch. I drove 30 miles to go and see Redd, fuck Redd and then have lunch with Redd. It was well worth not getting paid!

  10. I wish I worked at a bar. I work at a crappy ass office, A LOT. And I’m not very well compensated for my troubles either. AND I live in the most goddamn expensive city in the world, LITERALLY. I hate to sound like a prick here but that woman on the corner with her baby probably has less debt than I do at this point.

  11. Wow, Mike, aren’t you ashamed of yourself, complaining about your easy-sleazy desk job in NYC when people are starving in Peru?

    I felt sorry for myself, because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, hey, man, can I have your shoes? Because you don’t need them, right?

  12. Hahahaha. I learned a long time ago that you need to feel bad for yourself first. Only then will you be in the right mind set to help people. I’m still not in that mindset so the poor and destute are on their own for a little while longer.


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