Top Five Things To Steal From Your Office When You’re Leaving For Good…

I have a plan…

When I finally make it out this shithole 9-5 job I spend the majority of my week in…I’m stealing any and everything I can get my sticky fingers on as I walk out that door…

Now some of this would need some careful planning and execution, so dont say I didn’t warn you when you get caught rolling a Xerox photocopier down Madison Ave at 3pm on a Wednesday afternoon!!!

#5 – Toilet Paper

Whether your leaving or staying you can all begin to do this tommorow if you want. Imagine NEVER paying for toilet paper again…

In times like these, every little bit helps. So next time your using the john on your way home, stash a few rolls in your briefcase or gym bag. Then shit all over your company later on…literally…

#4 – Coffee Machine

Fuck it. Why not? This is more of a slap in the face than something you can pawn off. But it is a statement. In the office world, coffee is like legal crack, so to take this away from a place you considered hell for your entire tenure there…

Shit…sounds like a good idea to me!

#3 – Computers

This is what I would consider the bare minimum to steal if you get fired. If your leaving on your own terms and you have a conscience, you might not want to go that extra step. But if your getting layed off or fired, fuck it. All bets are off. What better way to find a new job than to look on your brand new shiny FREE computer!!!

The best way to execute this one, is to claim the one you currently use is broken and then tell them you will package it up to send back to the manufacturer…Voila, you just got a new computer!!!!

If you get caught…sorry buddy…your on your own…

#2 – Server

I know you have all seen something that resembles this rack of computer hardware somewhere in your office. Now, with this one, the stakes are lower. You dont necessarily have to steal it, so much as break it. Without this, any company would crumble. My best suggestion is to try to steal one rack, while melting some (or all) of the wires that connect the rest of the shit together. That way, worst case scenario you can sell the one rack on Ebay and have the satisfaction of knowing your piece of shit company has to fit the bill for the replacement. Ahhh, nothing like the smell of victory!!!

#1 – Copier 

It gets no better than this. The “Silver Tuna” as Marv from Home Alone would call it. This is to be saved for those jobs you absolutely hated, everyday, every hour, you were there. Especially since you will look like a complete schmuck if you fuck it up. So it has to be worth it.

My best suggestion is to have one of your degenerate buddies rent a Canon repair outfit and have him come “service” the printer…All he has to do is wheel it on out to a U-Haul and keep it moving…

Mission Accomplished…you just stole something worth over $1000 that probably wont fit in your living room, but your guaranteed to have the time of your life breaking/burning it to pieces!!!!

So there you have it folks, who needs health care or workers comp when you can just steal your way to justice every time!!!

Logical

D.Smith