Top Five Things To Steal From Your Office When You’re Leaving For Good…

I have a plan…

When I finally make it out this shithole 9-5 job I spend the majority of my week in…I’m stealing any and everything I can get my sticky fingers on as I walk out that door…

Now some of this would need some careful planning and execution, so dont say I didn’t warn you when you get caught rolling a Xerox photocopier down Madison Ave at 3pm on a Wednesday afternoon!!!

#5 – Toilet Paper

Whether your leaving or staying you can all begin to do this tommorow if you want. Imagine NEVER paying for toilet paper again…

In times like these, every little bit helps. So next time your using the john on your way home, stash a few rolls in your briefcase or gym bag. Then shit all over your company later on…literally…

#4 – Coffee Machine

Fuck it. Why not? This is more of a slap in the face than something you can pawn off. But it is a statement. In the office world, coffee is like legal crack, so to take this away from a place you considered hell for your entire tenure there…

Shit…sounds like a good idea to me!

#3 – Computers

This is what I would consider the bare minimum to steal if you get fired. If your leaving on your own terms and you have a conscience, you might not want to go that extra step. But if your getting layed off or fired, fuck it. All bets are off. What better way to find a new job than to look on your brand new shiny FREE computer!!!

The best way to execute this one, is to claim the one you currently use is broken and then tell them you will package it up to send back to the manufacturer…Voila, you just got a new computer!!!!

If you get caught…sorry buddy…your on your own…

#2 – Server

I know you have all seen something that resembles this rack of computer hardware somewhere in your office. Now, with this one, the stakes are lower. You dont necessarily have to steal it, so much as break it. Without this, any company would crumble. My best suggestion is to try to steal one rack, while melting some (or all) of the wires that connect the rest of the shit together. That way, worst case scenario you can sell the one rack on Ebay and have the satisfaction of knowing your piece of shit company has to fit the bill for the replacement. Ahhh, nothing like the smell of victory!!!

#1 – Copier 

It gets no better than this. The “Silver Tuna” as Marv from Home Alone would call it. This is to be saved for those jobs you absolutely hated, everyday, every hour, you were there. Especially since you will look like a complete schmuck if you fuck it up. So it has to be worth it.

My best suggestion is to have one of your degenerate buddies rent a Canon repair outfit and have him come “service” the printer…All he has to do is wheel it on out to a U-Haul and keep it moving…

Mission Accomplished…you just stole something worth over $1000 that probably wont fit in your living room, but your guaranteed to have the time of your life breaking/burning it to pieces!!!!

So there you have it folks, who needs health care or workers comp when you can just steal your way to justice every time!!!



Published in: on November 11, 2008 at 5:37 pm  Comments (6)  
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6 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. You’re my hero, this shit is fucking genius!

  2. Lol yea man this shit is real and I mean every fucking word!!!!

    I want that copier!!!!!!

  3. […] next time folks…I need to get back to finding things around the office to steal in the event I get layed off […]

  4. Few other things…

    Yellow sticky notes
    Pads of paper
    Pens and paper for a lifetime
    Office supplies
    Plants for the house
    stapler and staples
    Nice paper- for resumes…etc
    Envelopes for a lifetime
    Cleaning supplies-every bit helps
    The coffee contribution fund….dip in every day
    A couple of printers
    Cartriges for the printers
    Memo pads

  5. This was great, coffee is legal crack, love it.

  6. This is dumb. Why not just make a list of things to steal from the supermarket? A) don’t steal the coffee machine – – your coworkers didn’t lay you off — STEAL THE COFFEE. B) don’t steal the computer – – it’s probably crap anyway: take the LCD Monitor C) the server? really? dude. there are backups. you’re just pissing people in the IT dept off – – instead, copy the data off of there and share it with another company or find something useful to do with it. D) the copy machine — useless. You’ll never get it out the door. And when you do, what’ya gonna do with it? Stick it in your apartment next to your dogfood? If you can plug it in – – meaning, that it doesn’t blow your circuits in your house, it’s going to take massive power AND you’ll have to maintain that sucker. Try stealing a printer instead. Like one you can actually sneak out the door. And that’d be useful to you.

    Sheesh. Amateurs. 😉

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