“Say It Ain’t So A-Rod” – The Quote No One Said Because No One Would Be Stupid Enough To Believe He Didn’t Juice Up

When is the world going to wake up and realize that these steroids are making the game better, not worse!

1. A-Rod
2. Barry Bonds
3. DoucheBag Conseco
4. Roger Clemens

What do all these people have in common?  If you said ‘steroid use’ you’re wrong.  If you said they’re all a bunch of crybabies, well you’d be right, but that’s still not what I meant.  The correct answer is this: They all belted a shitload of home runs and turned the otherwise painfully boring game of baseball into a thrill a minute!  

I, for one, am all for injecting these big galoots with every chemical substance known to mankind.  If I heard a rumor that pigeon shit mixed with antifreeze could give an otherwise talentless person the ability to knock a baseball a quarter mile, then by god, some talentless person better show me an ass cheek and a huge syringe!

——————————–SPECIAL BULLETIN!———————————

I no longer give a flying shit about steroids, Major League Baseball or any of my loved ones!   Someone has just made my fucking day and sent me a sneak peak at the new Tarantino movie coming out.  So I’ll be changing subject matter to that. 

Here’s the video:

Cue me, ejaculating into my khakis pants and using my Jamba Juice apron to wipe it off.

I wish there was a banned performance enhancing drug that could allow me to create masterful cinematic experiences the likes of Kill Bill and Pulp Fiction.  Goddammit!  I’m one jealous Jamba Juice slinging motherfucker.

And now I will go back to sobbing quietly into my Mango Metabolizer.

– Mike James
“And I want my Nazi scalps”

Winners and Losers of Summer ’08

Well ladies and gents, another summer is in the books…

Goodbye flip flops and tank tops…

and hello NFL Football and the Christmas Season of 2008

Before we look to the future, lets take a few brief moment to reflect back to some of this past summers biggest winners and losers…for better or for worse…

The Dark Knight

Winner – If this movie wasn’t as good as it really is, it would go down as perhaps the most over hyped piece of shit ever…but with the performance of a lifetime from the late Heath Ledger, and an all around Gotham thrill ride that leaves you thirsty for the already talked about 3rd installment with Johnny Depp playing the Riddle…The Dark Knight truly manages to be the motherfucking shit…

The Instability in the Price of Gas

Loser – For those of us like myself in NYC, this may not have dampened the whole summer, but all across America, the rise in gas put everything from annual road trips to quick weekend getaways in jeopardy. That means kids and parents all over were stuck in the same house for the whole summer left to think of new, fun, and inventive ways to spice up the summer, ie. for most Americans meaning watching lots of television, eating, consuming drugs, masturbating, and surfing the internet…

The Olympics

Winner – Definitely a huge fucking spectacle,  but hey Americans loves a chance to swing their dicks for 2-3 weeks and win a bunch of medals in shit we will forget bout by fall!!! What can i say, humility isn’t found in the Bill of Rights!!! Go Swimming and basketball!!!!

The New York Yankees

Loser – With the biggest payroll in sports and a new stadium opening just next season, the underachieving divas of the sports world have ridden 3rd place for most of the summer…unless they turn it around asap AND win the World Series…essentially another failed season for the boys in pinstripes who set the bar at winning it all each year. But who gives a shit, the inevitable late season comeback ain’t happening this year and besides, the Mets are winning the World Series this year anyway, right?

Election 2008 –

Winner – Love Obama or Hate McCain, or vice versa, but one cannot deny the impact or relevance of this current election. With 2 months to go, expect big things to develop as the Republican regime will probably stoop to any level necessary to paint Obama and the Democratic Party as “arugula loving” softies who are trying to elect a terrorist.

John Edwards –

Loser – Lets just say thank heavens Obama wasnt thinking about tapping Edwards for the VP slot. Fuck Palin’s daughter and her inability to keep her legs closed, Edwards and the supposed love child would have trumped everything!!! This man has managed to pull a one up on Eliot Spitzer cause I think most people could see Spitzer having the potential to be a scumbag…I mean he looooks sleezy…but John Edwards…whew…from choir boy to dog of the week in a heartbeat, Edwards’ stock has fallen faster than that of Wu-Tang or Britney Spears…good luck finding a new gig on craigslist buddy!!!

Logical

D.Smith