The 5 Things You DON’T Want To Do At Your Company’s Holiday Party

Ho Ho Ho (Great pic but whats up with the lipstick on the younger fellow??? Apparently he didnt follow the rules!)

Ho Ho Ho (Great pic but whats up with the lipstick on the younger fellow??? Apparently, he didn't follow the rules!)

Well egg nog is in the air and everyone’s broke so that could only mean one thing…its Christmas time folks!!!!

One of the best things about Christmas is the infamous office party.

Quite frankly, it’s the one thing left for adults around this time – being that the focus of this great holiday is snotty little children…

With that said, its not a free for all my friends.

Now, we have all witnessed a handful of individuals who have crossed the line at an office party.

Shit gets bad…

Quickly…

So we here at And This Is My America have put together a little list to assure you keep your self-respect, as well as your job at this year’s holiday bash!

#5 – Pretend This Is A Job Interview For The Upper Level Dream Position You Want – There’s music, food, drinks, don’t try to sell yourself likes it’s the Mid-Atlantic Job Fair. Sitting there trying to tie every conversation to how dedicated you are to the company and how much you would love to explore other positions…barf. If you were in line for another position, chances are you would have gotten it by now, so suck it up and enjoy the free drinks…

#4 – Bring Your Entire Inner Circle – Perhaps your wife or boyfriend or significant other. Or even one close friend, but there’s no need to bring your 5 closest buddies to help take advantage of the open bar or your 3 girlfriends to help them pick up some rich lawyers at the firm. Bad idea. Not only do you look tacky but if your friends are the type that want to go? Then they will definitely be the type to bring a bunch of coke and pretend its a frat party…Yea…terrible I know…

#3 – Fight – No matter what happens  – don’t get into a fight. Even if you KNOW your going to win. And especially if you KNOW you wont win!!! Obviously keep religion and politics off the conversation menu, but try to go easy on the sports talk as well fellas. Beers, Ohio State-Michigan rivalry, Yankees-Red Sox rivalry, etc….Bad news bears…Remember, this isn’t a sports bar and there are legal ramifications…I know that sounds pussy but not as pussy as the guy in jail looks for getting into a fight at his office party…terrible…I know…

#2 – Pick Up Chicks/Dudes – If you didn’t have the guts to suggest meeting up for drinks or a movie after work weeks ago, those 3 glasses of wine you just downed will not help. Remember don’t shit where you eat. Best (and this is like damn near impossible) case scenario you actually do pick the girl or guy up and the two of you drunk idiots go home and fuck each others brains out…then have some weird, uber-awkward tumultuous relationship that makes everyone else in the office feel weird in meetings for the next 2 months…then you break up…which is even more awkward…OR the more likely scenario – you try and fail miserably and look HORRIBLE in front of all your coworkers which motivates you to drink more which will only make you look worse…Yea…terrible…I know…

#1 – Drink Too Much – This is by far the most important thing to follow on this list. In fact, you could probably do everything else on this list sober and it would be just about equal with how bad you would be perceived at work the next day. What’s funny is, you could be the type of motherfucker who doesn’t do the rest of the shit on the list but once the Remy is in the system, you become that guy. Remember, the difference between over drinking at a family function is those bastards have to accept you for the degenerate, belligerent, lush that you have become – these guys at work can just fire you!!!

Logical

D.Smith

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Published in: on December 17, 2008 at 8:52 am  Comments (1)  
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Christmas in October

I just saw my first Christmas related commercial of the year.  I mean damn, it’s only October 2nd!; And already the holiday flood seems to be upon us.  Now it’s no secret that I love Christmas, and will have no problem kicking the balls off anyone who says otherwise, but this fiestive jubilation is too early even for me.

It’s Halloween time people.  It’s time to hose everything in sight with shaving cream, and throw eggs, and spray paint stray dogs, and break windows, and blow up mailboxes!  It’s time to pull out that mental list of all the things you’ve been dreaming of vandalizing all year long.  Remember that neighbor who yelled at you for leaving cigarette butts on his lawn?  Well it’s time for some sweet revenge, finally.  Let’s see how boisterous he is while he’s cleaning dried dog shit off the door handles of his $75,000 dollar Benzino. 

GOD I miss being young.

– Mike James

* And for no apparent reason here’s a fat man shooting an automatic handgun.

Goddamn this jiggly baystid is fat.

Published in: on October 2, 2008 at 2:30 pm  Comments (3)  
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