Ahhh the college final.
No better way for college professors around this sweet nation to measure just how many degenerates occupy their classroom on a weekly basis than to test them on all the information they know these idiots have neglected to study since the beginning of the semester.
Whats interesting is that many college students adopt the idea that despite the fact that they did the bare minimum for the entire semester up until the final review, that if they really study hard, they can ace it.
That shit never works
So we are going to provide you with some last minute tips that may help you pass at least one of your finals – hopefully 2…or enough to keep your ass off of academic probation!!!
Cheat – This is the easiest way to make up for all those night you spent trying to get laid (unsucccessfully) or fucked around drinking (successfully) – I wont get into what methods are best (Perhaps a cheat sheet on size 4 font taped to the inside of your baseball cap, that you non chalantly take off during the exam??) but think outside the box!!
Lie – This is sound advice because the sky’s the limit – Your grandmother died, your putting your dog down – fuck, in this economy you can pull the ol’ “My house is being foreclosed, so I have to go back home for moral support”. This shit works. Many professors would rather give you a C than an F if for anything, to salvage their reputation – no professor is proud of a handing out a bunch of F’s and D’s. But they will be proud of relieving some kid of their stress during the holiday time when they are losing a close family member!!! So give them some moral incentive, and it’s a win-win situation for both parties.
Resort to Cash – If you got it, or better yet – if mommy and daddy got it – flaunt it! I mean I couldnt imagine pulling that one off, and I am a shameless motherfucker, but I know for a fact that it does occur on college campuses. So if money aint a ‘thang, make it rain on em!
Start Scouting – We are going to assume that a large portion of you guys will fail. So, the best thing to do is scout out your teachers for next semester. Find out which teachers assign take home exams and try to take as many of those classes as possible – Ceramics, Dance, fuck it – make it work! Then for the remaining classes, scout out which teachers give open book exams. The whole goal with this is to maximize the follow up semester to your failure. Remember after the spring semester is when you return home for 2-3 months – If you can turn this around by summer you come back home as Son/Daughter of the year…Then you can spend the entire break getting fucked up and look like a hero!!