Fuck 2008!

My sentiments exactly...my sentiments exactly...

My sentiments exactly...my sentiments exactly...

Yesterday I got laid off…

It’s interesting because the handwriting was on the wall…but it still sucked…

While Corporate America is shitty…a guaranteed check is always good…

However, I’d say all in all, it is for the best.

Fuck 2008

Talk about a shitty ass year

Shitty economy, shitty movies, shitty music…

Shitty shitty shitty…

So me and the rest of us here at And This Is My America are bidding farewell to a year that will always be marked by the biggest financial disaster since the Great Depression, as well as the biggest election our generation has seen.

With that said, there is light a the end of the tunnel (kind of)…

I do think things will change at some point…

And hopefully a new administration will bring an influx of jobs sooner than later…

But at the very least you have me, Devonte Smith, as well as And This Is My America to guide you through these turbulent times…

Books, feature films, HBO series, Apparel, Action Figures, Wii games….

The sky is the motherfucking limit for us – provided you do your part out there in viewer land…

For 3 small clicks a day you can help provide me and the next 2 generations of my family with a lifetime of quality rehab and public assistance (the best of both worlds)!!!

So lets all unite and support my out of work ass for as long as possible…

Remember, you guys did it for Scott Baio – at least I’m black!

Happy Fucking New Year!!!

Cmon, your gonna support this asshole, and not me?

C'mon, your gonna support this asshole, and not me?

Logical

D.Smith

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The 5 Things You DON’T Want To Do At Your Company’s Holiday Party

Ho Ho Ho (Great pic but whats up with the lipstick on the younger fellow??? Apparently he didnt follow the rules!)

Ho Ho Ho (Great pic but whats up with the lipstick on the younger fellow??? Apparently, he didn't follow the rules!)

Well egg nog is in the air and everyone’s broke so that could only mean one thing…its Christmas time folks!!!!

One of the best things about Christmas is the infamous office party.

Quite frankly, it’s the one thing left for adults around this time – being that the focus of this great holiday is snotty little children…

With that said, its not a free for all my friends.

Now, we have all witnessed a handful of individuals who have crossed the line at an office party.

Shit gets bad…

Quickly…

So we here at And This Is My America have put together a little list to assure you keep your self-respect, as well as your job at this year’s holiday bash!

#5 – Pretend This Is A Job Interview For The Upper Level Dream Position You Want – There’s music, food, drinks, don’t try to sell yourself likes it’s the Mid-Atlantic Job Fair. Sitting there trying to tie every conversation to how dedicated you are to the company and how much you would love to explore other positions…barf. If you were in line for another position, chances are you would have gotten it by now, so suck it up and enjoy the free drinks…

#4 – Bring Your Entire Inner Circle – Perhaps your wife or boyfriend or significant other. Or even one close friend, but there’s no need to bring your 5 closest buddies to help take advantage of the open bar or your 3 girlfriends to help them pick up some rich lawyers at the firm. Bad idea. Not only do you look tacky but if your friends are the type that want to go? Then they will definitely be the type to bring a bunch of coke and pretend its a frat party…Yea…terrible I know…

#3 – Fight – No matter what happens  – don’t get into a fight. Even if you KNOW your going to win. And especially if you KNOW you wont win!!! Obviously keep religion and politics off the conversation menu, but try to go easy on the sports talk as well fellas. Beers, Ohio State-Michigan rivalry, Yankees-Red Sox rivalry, etc….Bad news bears…Remember, this isn’t a sports bar and there are legal ramifications…I know that sounds pussy but not as pussy as the guy in jail looks for getting into a fight at his office party…terrible…I know…

#2 – Pick Up Chicks/Dudes – If you didn’t have the guts to suggest meeting up for drinks or a movie after work weeks ago, those 3 glasses of wine you just downed will not help. Remember don’t shit where you eat. Best (and this is like damn near impossible) case scenario you actually do pick the girl or guy up and the two of you drunk idiots go home and fuck each others brains out…then have some weird, uber-awkward tumultuous relationship that makes everyone else in the office feel weird in meetings for the next 2 months…then you break up…which is even more awkward…OR the more likely scenario – you try and fail miserably and look HORRIBLE in front of all your coworkers which motivates you to drink more which will only make you look worse…Yea…terrible…I know…

#1 – Drink Too Much – This is by far the most important thing to follow on this list. In fact, you could probably do everything else on this list sober and it would be just about equal with how bad you would be perceived at work the next day. What’s funny is, you could be the type of motherfucker who doesn’t do the rest of the shit on the list but once the Remy is in the system, you become that guy. Remember, the difference between over drinking at a family function is those bastards have to accept you for the degenerate, belligerent, lush that you have become – these guys at work can just fire you!!!

Logical

D.Smith

Published in: on December 17, 2008 at 8:52 am  Comments (1)  
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Someone Help Me Before I Choke This Bitch…

Sure I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again…fuck my job..and more importantly fuck my boss…

Corporate America is killing me slowly folks…

Counting down the hours before you can leave, right after you walk in the door is definitely not the way to spend your week…

I have never been this bitter in my life…well yes I have but this is way worse….

The problem is I’m stuck…

I, like many young Americans, have a semi-useless degree unless I pursue graduate school, which I can’t, since I am already in a little bit of debt from undergrad and the economy is in the shitter…

So until shit gets better (HA!) I might as well suck it up, get drunk, and continue to develop this blog and apply to openings as a Chippendale’s dancer every chance I get…

So why do I hate my boss?? Here’s a quick look at just some of the annoying shit she does on a daily basis…

  • She wont stop talking about her little dirty ass kids – Now I hate children, but thats besides the point. The point is, even if I did like those little smelly motherfuckers, I still wouldn’t want to be filled in on every detail of her crusty kid’s lives. I mean come on, this is work bitch, separation from home and the office. Would you like it if I came in and I filled you in on every nut I busted the night before?
  • She wont stop talking – This is a killer, once she is done filling us in on her 3 kids, it appears she is just getting warmed up – From how much of her husbands money she spends monthly to how many new ugly, gaudy fashion mistakes she has picked up at Neiman Marcus or Bloomingdale’s – The woman is rich and she clearly doesn’t get that I am one bad day away from slapping the shit out of her, stealing all her jewelry, and pawning it for a pound of purple haze…
  • I think she thinks I actually like my job – This sucks because she gives me at least 2-3 uncomfortable, old lady like “hi-fives” every day…I mean honestly guys she makes me feel like I just walked onto the panel of The View
  • Last but not least she is one of those people that likes to ask you a question and cut you off half way through the middle of your answer and answer the question herself – Someone please help me before I choke this bitch…

Logical

D.Smith

Published in: on September 27, 2008 at 10:05 am  Comments (10)  
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If Delivered…$10.14 Reward Given On The Spot!!!

While Mike James and myself prepare for another shitty week stuck in Corporate America…

Also known as the shit stain of America’s promises…

This week has given us new found hope…

While scouring the internet for discount Russian and Thai mail order brides…

We figured we would save a buck or two on shipping and handling if you, our fellow brothers and sisters, can hand deliver these two lovely over-achievers found above…

We put all our cash together and came up with $10.14…

What can I say times are rough…and rent will surely be due soon…

But come on…imagine the upgrade in post you guys will get if us two Clyde’s get our Bonnie‘s!!!!

Look at em…ripe and aged to perfection like a ’47 bottle of Petrus…these two are willing and able…

So hurry up and act now guys…

If they arrive before morning we will throw in any liquor and pot lying around the house…

Impatiently Waiting,

Logical

D.Smith

Published in: on September 21, 2008 at 8:16 pm  Comments (2)  
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What A Start To The Week…

So OJ is back on trial…

Karl Rove thinks McCain went “too far”…

And a Republican group in Florida is boycotting the Oprah show because she refuses to interview Sarah Palin???

But really the only thing I care about is our ever growing economic woes…

Lehman Bros. going bankrupt????

NOt good my friends…not good…

Living in NYC, I have read articles covering the collapse which details how deep the effect can be felt…from neghboring restaurants to jewelers…if Wall St. doesnt eat? A lot of people dont eat…

In the same way the daily fluctuation in oil works, many will be effected indirectly regardless of whether they are active investors or not…

While I definetly feel sorry for the lower-level employees I can relate to who may actually be in touch with the the trials and tribulations of the common man…for the most part…its a a classic case of what goes up must come down…

I mean if this really is a recession, which seems to be the case as each day a new economist pops up deeming this one of the worst financial climates in decades…who better to be in it than me?

I for one am broker than a toothless hooker…I dont have a pot to piss in…nor the motherfuckin window to throw it out of…

Me, Mike James and the rest of us here at And This Is My America, are planning to just ride this shit into the sunset…

As long as we can continue to do the BARE minimum in our shitty office jobs…

And get drunk when we get home, and then masturbate to forget about how painfully miserable we were during the previous 8 hours…we look at it like…”eh, shit could be a lot worse…”

With that said…lemme get back to work before I get fired and have to find a real job!!

 

Logical

D.Smith

Published in: on September 16, 2008 at 11:06 am  Comments (1)  
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When to quit…

There are definitely signs that its time to get a new job..

I thought I’d share some…

1. The mere sound of your bosses voice makes you cringe the way your mother calling you for dinner or asking you to help her do something once did…yes that annoying…

2. You lose documents your co-workers or boss give you on purpose just so they have to print it out or gather it together for you again…then as you wait for them to do it you whisper to yourself, “Thats right, do it bitch…”

3. You start planning your “grand exit” – you know the big monologue you have built up for months in your head where you air out the whole office and drop the bombshell to the vice president – “Yeah bitch, and your husband is gay!!!

4. You secretly hope for little bad shit to happen to your boss like “ooh i hope this motherfucker fucking bitch gets a ticket, then gets food poisoning at lunch, then dies…”

5. You start scanning the office for shit to steal and/or harm…like”if shit hits the fan..im takin this monitor…breakin my phone…peeing on the server…and im out!!!!”

Now these are just a few, let me know if I’ve left any out…

Logical

D.Smith

Published in: on August 21, 2008 at 1:21 am  Leave a Comment  
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