I’ve been sitting on this post a long while but I think the good readers of AndThisIsMyAmerica are finally ready for it. No better way to start off the shitty workweek than with some good ole fashioned kickass!
Here are my official results, an impressive list if I DO say so myself.
**Author’s note: After I completed this I noticed it’s fairly homoerotic and I don’t give a shit; I love these men. There, I’ve said it. Happy now, homophobe?
10. Lieutenant Marion Cobretti – COBRA
10. Lieutenant Marion Cobretti
“I don’t deal with psychos I put them away”. This bad ass works the Zombie Squad, he solved the “Night Slasher” case and single handedly brought down the infamous “New Order” street gang. He tells the boss to eat shit, fucks the hottie in witness protection and kills 90 ax-wielding psychopaths within 85 minutes. I’d want him with me if shit got crazy.
Weapon: 1911 Colt .45
Car: 1950 Mercury (Silver)
Worries Me: Absolutely nothing, he takes care of his own.
Classic Line: “You’re the disease and I’m the cure”.
9. Detective Axel Foley – BEVERLY HILLS COP
Good Ole Axel Foley came out from the mean streets of Detroit to solve the homicide of his best friend Mikey Tandino. While in Beverly Hills he shows the local police force what Detroit muscle, cop instinct and outlandish impersonations can really do. He doesn’t quit and he’ll make you laugh if the chips are down.
Weapon: Something silver that looks cool on the poster.
Car: Fire Engine Red Ferrari
What Worries Me: Getting my cop car stolen and losing my job because of his hi-jinx.
Classic line: “You’re not going to fall for the banana in the tailpipe? It should be more natural, brother. It should flow out, like this – “Look, man, I ain’t fallin’ for no banana in my tailpipe!”
8. Sergeant Frank Drebin Detective Lieutenant Police Squad – THE NAKED GUN
Frank Drebin In Action
With the longest job title in cop history Frank falls in at number 8. Shoot first and ask questions later. Frank has an illustrious career in Police Squad, he once saved the life of Queen Elizabeth II, shut down Vincent Ludwig’s band of roving assassins and foiled Quentin Hapsburg’s plans to rid the world of clean energy. Over the course of his career he’s tangled ass with OJ Simpson, Anna Nicole Smith, and Weird Al Yankovic – all controversial in their own ways.
Weapon: His wits & a snub nose .38
Car: Lime Green four door unmarked sedan.
Worries Me: During lunch he’d probably forget me at the deli and drive off. By the time he’d remember I was no longer with him the movie would be over.
Classic Lines: “Let’s pull out the cotton and get straight to the aspirin.”
“You played me like a violin at the annual saps convention.”
“Well, when I see five weirdos dressed in togas, stabbing a man in the middle of the park in front of a full view of 100 people, I shoot the bastards, that’s my policy.”
“I’m Lt. Frank Drebin! Police Squad! And don’t ever let me catch you guys in America!”
“You’re part of a dying breed, Hapsburg, like people who can name all fifty states!”
“There she was, just as I remembered her. That delicately beautiful face. And a body that could melt a cheese sandwich from across the room. And breasts that seemed to say…”Hey! Look at these!” She was the kind of woman who made you want to drop to your knees and thank God you were a man! She reminded me of my mother, all right. No doubt about it.”
7. Jake Gittes – CHINATOWN
Forget it Jake, it's Chinatown....
Well let’s face it, Jake really isn’t all that great a detective, but what he lacks in natural instinct he more than makes up for in cool Private Eye tricks and funny “Chinamen” jokes. He falls victim to the oldest trick in the book and gets caught up emotionally with the woman who ultimately gets shot through the eye for her troubles. He doesn’t really do a good job of protecting her. And the greatest line of the movie isn’t even said by him. Regardless he’s a smart ass and a ladies man and an ex-cop and I enjoy watching him do his thing.
Car – An old ass one.
Weapon – His Penis.
What Worries Me – I’d get hurt just for standing next to him. He’d probably stick me with the check at a restaurant while he puts the moves on the coat check girl.
Classic Lines: “You’re dumber than you think I think you are.”
“Let me explain something to you, Walsh. This business requires a certain amount of finesse.”
Jake Gittes: “Mulvihill! What are you doing here?”
Mulvihill: “They shut my water off. What’s it to you?”
Jake Gittes: “How’d you find out about it? You don’t drink it; you don’t take a bath in it… They wrote you a letter. But then you have to be able to read.
“But, Mrs. Mulwray, I goddamn near lost my nose. And I like it. I like breathing through it. And I still think you’re hiding something.”
6. Detective Jack Cates – 48 HOURS
Nothing like drawing down on a lady holding a grocery bag.
Another one that takes place in San Francisco. Jack Cates is a drunken, dirty, foul-mouthed copper in The City By The Bay. He bends the rules so much there’s no way a police force on Earth would keep him on for more than a few hours. But he gets results and that’s all that matters in down and dirty police work. He brandished a firearm in the face of an elderly Asian woman, repeatedly beat prisoners in custody, throws the word “fuck” around like a champ, beat up a shitload of country boys in a hick bar. He abuses the badge constantly to get out of parking tickets or intimidate bystanders. His gun gets stolen and he simply doesn’t report it, even though it’s used to commit a string of murders. He eventually gets it back when he shoots his prisoner through the shoulder to kill the bad guy. He’s the man no if, ands, or buts about it. He killed Ganz and he solved the Iceman case, need I say more?
Car: Sky Blue Cadillac DeVille
Weapon: .357 Magnum (stolen) moves on to a Colt .45
What Worries Me: Often uses violence to prove his point and would most likely often challenge me to fist fights to settle minor arguments. Also his blatant racism might give people the wrong idea about me. (I prefer to keep my racism more reserved)
Classic Lines: “This sucks! A maniac gets a hold of my gun and runs all over the streets killin’ people with it. So, instead of bein’ where I oughta be, home in bed with my gal givin’ her the high hard one, I’m out here doin’ THIS shit: roamin’ around the streets with an overdressed, charcoal-colored loser like you.”
“Who GIVES a goddamn what YOU like? You’re just a crook on a weekend pass! You’re not even a goddamn NAME anymore! You’re just a spearchucker with a number stenciled on the back of his prison fatigues! And I’m through fuckin’ around. You tell me the truth or you’re gonna get the living shit beat outta you.”
“What are you smiling at, watermelon? Your big move just turned out to be shit.”
“I’ll file a report tomorrow.” (which never happens)
“Now, get this! We ain’t partners. We ain’t brothers. And we ain’t friends. I’m puttin’ you down and keepin’ you down until Ganz is locked up or dead. And if Ganz gets away, you’re gonna be sorry YOU ever MET me!”
5. Lieutenant Frank Bullitt – BULLITT
Why does all the cool shit seem to go down in San Francisco? It’s a goddamn cop/private eye paradise over there! There’s cases for miles, I don’t know how anyone can relax with so much testosterone flying around. Anyways, Frank Bullitt is nothing short of a bad ass. First off he’s Steve McQueen (The Tao of Steve) and Steve McQueen is the man, I mean did you’all see The Getaway?! The dude fucked Ali McGraw (in real life) when she was super hot!, check it out:
He stole her from Mega Producer Robert Evans! He’s my fucking hero. But as Bullitt he’ll smack the shit out of you, steal your woman, out think you, out race you, out shoot you, and out and about make you feel like a big fat ass loser.
Car: 1968 Ford Mustang (Highland Green)
Weapon: 6 Shot Chiefs Special (revolver)
What Worries Me: Jack Shit.
Classic Lines: “Look, you work your side of the street, and I’ll work mine.”
“Look, Chalmers, let’s understand each other… I don’t like you.”
Bullitt: “You sell whatever you want, but don’t sell it here tonight.”
Chalmers: “Frank, we must all compromise.”
Bullitt: “Bullshit. Get the hell out of here, now.”
4. Sam Spade – THE MALTESE FALCON
Now that his partner Miles Archer is dead, the doors and windows of Spade & Archer Private Investigators have changed to just plain “Spade”. Visible behind Sam’s desk is the lovely Bay Bridge bathed in fog, signifying what? That’s right folks San Francisco strikes again! That place is on fire! Sam is a master of playing murderous thieves against each other and in the end he avenges his partner’s death and remains the only member of the cast not “fucked for life”. He’s my hero and never has to shoot anyone. He tricks them into digging their own graves.
Weapon: His mind.
Car: San Francisco Yellow Taxi Service
What Worries Me: He’d screw me over and send me up the river and by the time I realized it-it would be too late.
Classic Lines: “The cheaper the crook, the gaudier the patter.”
“You know, that’s good, because if you actually were as innocent as you pretend to be, we’d never get anywhere.”
“When you’re slapped, you’ll take it and like it.”
“I hope you’re not letting yourself be influenced by the guns these pocket edition desperados are waving around, because I’ve practiced taking guns from these boys before so we’ll have no trouble there”.
“When a man’s partner is killed, he’s supposed to do something about it. It doesn’t make any difference what you thought of him. He was your partner and you’re supposed to do something about it. And it happens we’re in the detective business. Well, when one of your organization gets killed, it’s-it’s bad business to let the killer get away with it, bad all around, bad for every detective everywhere.”
“It’s the stuff that dreams are made of.”
3. Special Agent Will Graham – MANHUNTER
The Manhunter himself
The Motherfucker caught Hannibal fucking Lector. There’s nothing more to say. (except that he went from a beach to blowing away the Tooth Fairy serial killer in two hours flat)
Weapon: .44 Revolver.
Car: FBI Helicopter
Worries: Doesn’t play well with others, he’s very internal and I fear that he wouldn’t be very funny to talk to during down time. Sure he’s smart as a whip and could probably solve whatever case I’d need him to in about 5 minutes, but who’s gonna laugh at my off-color remarks?
Classic Lines: “As a child, my heart bleeds for him. Someone took a little boy and turned him into a monster. But as an adult… as an adult, he’s irredeemable. He butchers whole families to fulfill some sick fantasy. As an adult, I think someone should blow the sick fuck out of his socks.”
Will Graham: “I know that I’m not smarter than you.” Doctor Hannibal Lector: “Then how did you catch me? Will Graham: “You had disadvantages.” Doctor Hannibal Lector: “What disadvantages?” Will Graham: “You’re insane.”
2. Detective Lieutenant Vincent Hanna – HEAT
That’s right the bad ass who took down Neil McCauley and his whole fucking crew (minus Christopher) in Los Angeles. Previous credits include taking down Frankie Yonger in Chicago. Greatest quote about Hanna “He’s been married three times what do you think that means he likes staying at home?” – Nate. Hanna is a dedicated officer, out there in the trenches sniffing around. He’ll find the truth out one way or another. I’d want him with me if I was working a case close to my heart.
Weapon: 1911 Colt Commander .45
Car: Los Angeles Unmarked Ford Taurus
What Worries Me: Glory hog, loudest person in the room. I’d never get a word in edgewise.
Classic Lines: “Who? Who? What are you a fucking owl?”
“Empathy was yesterday. Today, you’re wasting my motherfucking time!”
1. Inspector Harry Callahan – DIRTY HARRY
I left my heart in SAN FRANCISCO…. Because Dirty Harry splattered it all over the concrete. Everyone on this list is great at something but Harry encompasses it all, keen detection skills, attractive to women,superb marksmanship, great voice, a look all his own, and a take no bullshit attitude from cretins and commanders alike. He’s killed dozens of punks, he’s been threatened with suspension, he’s saved a bus load of children, ended the Dead Pool and put a stop to a band of rogue vigilante cops. And let’s face it, he fired a fucking rocket launcher on Alcatraz! He’s the Mack, plain and simple. A broken-hearted widower, he’s taken it upon himself to make homicide investigation Job Number ONE.
"I shoot the bastard that's my policy."
Weapon: .44 Magnum the most powerful handgun in the world and can take your head clean off.
Car: Whichever isn’t destroyed when the shooting stops.
What Worries Me: Every partner he’s ever had has died, as much as I’d want him on my case partnering up with him means certain death for me. It’d be worth it to cruise around the hilly streets of foggy San Fran riding shotgun with Inspector Callahan. Hopefully I’ll just get wounded.
Classic Lines: “I know what you’re thinking. “Did he fire six shots or only five?” Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself a question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?”
“A man’s got to know his limitations.”
“Speaking of whale shit, what have you turned up, Briggs?”
“She wants to play lumberjack, she’s going to have to learn to handle her end of the log.”
“Your mouthwash ain’t makin’ it.”
Harry Callahan: “We’re not just going to let you walk out of here. Crook: “Who’s “we”, sucker?” Harry Callahan: “Smith, and Wesson, and me.”
“Fuck with me, buddy, I’ll kick your ass so hard you’ll have to unbutton your collar to shit.”
*Others that didn’t make the list but get honorable mentions:
RoboCop, Tango & Cash, The Big Lebowski, Clarice Starling (Silence of the Lambs), John McClaine (Die Hard), John Shaft, William Somerset (Se7en), Crockett & Tubbs (Miami Vice), Bobby Scott (Spartan), Bud White (LA Confidential), Sgt. Murtaugh & Sgt. Riggs (Lethal Weapon)
, John Spartan (Demolition Man)
*New lists to look forward to:
1. Top Ten Criminals
Top Ten Anti-Heroes
Top Ten War Buddies
Top Ten Pieces of Ass
5. Top Ten College Roommates
6. Top Ten Villians
– Mike James