I’m Sick of Hearing This Bullshit About Mickey Rourke’s “Comeback”

before / after (yeeeesh)

That motherfucker never left.  He’s been acting in movies both good and horrible (mostly horrible) since the early 1980’s.  The only thing that makes his performance in The Wrestler a “comeback” is that he might actually win an Academy Award for it instead of a fucking Razzie like his role in Harley Davidson and The Marlboro Man.

Since I’m pretty sure 99% of you could give a shit whether Mickey Rourke lives to be a thousand or drops dead of a heroin overdose today, I’m going to be brief. 

They say he’s been on a ten year break.  A TEN YEAR BREAK?!  Are you all nuts?  Am I the only one who remembers these films:

1. Domino – 2005 (*starring)
2. Sin City – 2005 (*starring)

*It’s looking to me like 2005 was his “comeback” year.

3. Man On Fire – 2004
4. Once Upon a Time In Mexico – 2003
5. Spun – 2002
6. Get Carter – 2000
7. Animal Factory – 2000
8. Buffalo 66
9. The Rainmaker
10. Bullet
*I’m not even counting the 30 or so B-Movies he’s acted in over the years as well.  The guy has been in 62 films, 27 of which were in the last ten years.

Now if this is considered being “out of work” then I know a slew of actors and actresses that would love to have his unemployment problems.  I’ve loved Mickey Rourke for years and I continue to enjoy him, AS AN ACTOR.  As a person giving interviews not so much.  I’d rather watch a fresh booger dry on the bathroom wall than listen to him mumble and stutter about his so called trials and tribulations.  His story is neither new nor original, he was young, he was rich, he got fucked up on drugs and ego, then he vanished; Fatty Arbuckle wrote the handbook on that move way back in the 1920’s.

– Mike James

Long Live The Motorcycle Boy

Rumblefish (fan-fucking-tastic movie)

Say It Ain’t So Charlie Sheen, Say It Ain’t So…

Mistake #2

Mistake #3

FACT: Charlie Sheen has had a long illustrious career of getting with some of the hottest women of silver screen.  Robin Wright Penn, Wynona Rider and Kelly Preston to name a few.  Even now he can probably still have the pick of the litter, yet he continues to fuck up.

 

We all saw Wild Things back in high school, and sure as the day is long, we all got massive erections.  Denise Richards back in the late 90’s was nothing short of a goddess, Charlie Sheen HIT that.  Luckily the awesomeness of Hollywood dictates that we replace our goddesses on a monthly basis, sometimes weekly.  Do you remember Nikki Cox from Unhappily Ever After?  Of course you don’t!, but at the time you’d have dropped to your knees and snorted 8 yards of cow shit for the opportunity to smell the tail end of her leotard after a sweaty workout.  Same goes for you ladies, remember Luke Perry?  Back in the day you couldn’t throw a handful of nickels without hitting 10 chicks who’d give head to a walrus for the opportunity to meet Luke Perry.  Where is he now?  Fucking skid row that’s where.

But back to Mr. Charles Sheen.

If it’s two things that Charlie Sheen does well it’s bang whores and make babies.  I love the man to death, he’s my hero.  He’s a testament to all the men of the world.  He’s on OUR team.  If you needed Charlie Sheen’s help you can bet your ass he’d give it to you.  (So long as there wasn’t pussy or a line of cocaine in the way).  But as much as I love him I really wish he’d learn his lesson.  He already married and knocked up two lunatics and now he’s gearing up to do it again for the third time! 

Charlie I’m begging you, run for your life!  You can crash on my futon, I’ll even flip it so that the majority of the stains are on the bottom.  You’re the highest paid actor on American television, which means your the highest paid actor on ALL television.  Unless there’s someone on Telemundo that I don’t know about who’s pulling in 30 million pesos an episode, it’s all you brother.  Please please please stop squandering it on alimony and child support!

Charlie my hopes and prayers are with you.

-Mike James