The True Annoyance of Being the “Best Man”

I have been tasked with the unfortunate job of chauffeuring one of my best friends into the unknown oblivion that is commonly referred to as “The Institution of Marriage“. 

The Best Man? More Like The Better Man!

The Best Man? More Like The Better Man!

As his best friend, who’s known him 5 times longer than his bride to be, I find it hard to deny my urges to save him from himself.  Yet, after numerous attempts, warnings and threats, he’s stated to me that he’s determined to go down this moronic path, with or without my help. 

I’ve sacrificed my time, my dignity and my very soul in order to be there for him.  But most importantly, I’ve sacrificed the only thing on this Earth I hold truly dear………  And that’s my sweet cash.

Monetary $acrifices I’ve been forced to make because this louse found Love:

1. Engagement Party– Unbeknownst to me, with an engagement party comes an engagement present.  An engagement present?  Are you fucking kidding me?  I gotta dish these two out a gift just for planning to get married?  Where is the line?  When’s the last time you gave your buddy a present just because he or she met someone?  NEVER that’s when.  But tradition says “when you get married you get a present every time you take a shit”.  If that’s the case then I’m gonna have an engagement party every year.  It’ll be like a second Christmas, I’ll have one every June 25th!  Once my friends forked over the goods, I’d let a few months go by and call off the matrimony.  Meanwhile I’d be sitting on a mountain of candy, booze and toys!

2. Bachelor Party – Kick ass!  Strippers, hotel, hooch, gambling (in our case) and lots of laughs.  As much fun as it was it still cost me close to 500 bucks, and that was just my share (which was a lion’s since I’m the Best Man In the Land).  This motherfucker hasn’t even gotten a marriage license yet and it’s already cost me $650 smackeroos.

3. Tuxedo Fitting/Tuxedo Rental – $185 bucks people.  That’s roughly two hundred dollars to simply put on a suit that God knows how many other people have gone commando in.  Let’s break it down, from the minute I put that tuxedo on, roughly 11:00 AM, til the minute I take that tuxedo off (hopefully to bang away on a hottie bridesmaid) around 1:00 or 2:00 AM, it’s two bills.  That’s maybe 13 hours, at 200 dollars that’s about 15 bones an hour!  Would you pay 15 dollars an hour to wear a Halloween costume?  I don’t fucking think so.

4. Rehearsal Dinner – Surprisingly this is basically the only occasion associated with the fucking wedding that’s not going to cost me shit but gas money.  BUT with the gas prices soaring through the roof there’s a good chance I’m going to have to throw down 40 dollars just to fill up my old man’s gas guzzler. 

5. Wedding Day – Wedding present.  Need I say more?  I’m a man, and a true friend.  And a true friend doesn’t buy shit off the registry, he goes full throttle and he gives his boy the only thing he knows his boy needs.  And that’s cold hard cash.  Enough cash for Julia Roberts, circa Pretty Woman, to come back to your hotel room and suck your balls up and down for an entire evening.  Anything less would be an insult to the rank of Detective Lieutenant Best Friend in the Universe.

And finally….

6. The Speech – As the Best Man I’ve got to stand before the entire crowd and deliver a concise speech that details the chronicling of our entire friendship.  I’ve got three minutes to verbally traverse 15 years of time WITHOUT cursing OR bringing up any disgusting sexual acts.  Anyone who knows me can tell you that I curse as often as a bird chirps.  It’s in my DNA, me and swearing are like old people and apple sauce, we GET ALONG.


**Tonight I leave my beloved New York City to head back home and get this fiasco under way.  I’ve made it halfway through the list and by this time tomorrow I’ll be on my way to completing #4.  By this time next week all this stinking mess will be over.  My buddy will be on a cruise ship heading for the Caribbean and I’ll be back at my shitty job paying off this bastard’s happiness for the next 6 months.

With my luck he’ll be dead by the time I get married and he’ll never know the pain I went through.

– Mike James
(The Bestest Man In The Motherfucking Land)

Published in: on October 8, 2008 at 3:33 pm  Comments (3)  
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For Better Or For Worse, Internet Porn Has Been There For Us…But Which Is It, “Better” or “Worse”???


***Warning: What you are about to read is not for the faint-hearted. Go hard or go home!!! (No pun intended) Or in layman’s terms, this could potentially be the most crass or vile thing you have read in years. Viewer discretion is advised***

I can remember it clear as day…
My first experience with internet porn that is.

I must have been all of 12 and in the 7th grade and there I was..

Young, horny, and looking at my first “pic”!
Essentially, this was merely a .JPEG but to a young man my age…it represented so much more…

Fast forward to 2008, and now I’m 26 and surprisingly this entity I speak of known as Internet porn has not only thrived but truly become a mass phenomenon…

I remember when Bangbros hit the scene and I was still young (and horny) enough to think it would a) be possible to pick up and fuck chicks in a van and b) a good fucking idea!!!

Through it all, high school, college, etc. Internet porn has been there for me and my fellow brothers (and sisters – lets not act like chicks don’t watch porn) in the darkest of times…

From the great pussy drought of 2002 to…shit this weekend…you can always turn to the internet for a quick free nut!!!

But its not all shits and giggles in the virtual world of T&A

Here’s a few net negatives that come along with the beast that is Internet Porn!

Damn the porn!

Damn THE porn!

The Desensitization of “Normal Sex” – If your busting 6-8 nuts a day on, when you do get up in some pussy, what are you gonna do? Bust a few tear drops? This is just a classic example of how motherfuckers abuse shit. I got friends who can name a porn star’s last 5-10 flicks. Bad. This isn’t some talented actress like Meryl Streep guys, this is a whore (or a man whore for the dudes). Now don’t get it twisted, I indulge in pornographic material just like the next man. But I am fully confident that it has not skewed my perception of women or sex. And for a whole host of motherfuckers out there, this is not the case!

Many Strained (or Ruined) Marriages – I’m not married but Internet porn has added a whole other outlet for the husband. Back in the day, even before the VCR, men had to go to the shady XXX movie theaters to see some raunchy shit. You know the kind you see in older movies (especially ones with scenes in Times Square pre-1990). Now I’m not the smartest man in the world, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say the sticky seats alone was enough to keep most men with the slightest bit of self pride out of a shithole like that. I’m going to say that alone kept about 3-8% of marriages before the Internet in tact. But think about how it is now. You can just mosey on down to the family computer in the den and skeet, skeet all over that keyboard!!! Definitely not what Suzy Homemaker (Or Joe The Plumber for that matter – catching your wife knuckle deep in her pussy on a Saturday afternoon without your assistance can be tough to swallow I’d imagine) wants to walk in on when shes going to dust the den…

The Inevitable Death Of Strip Clubs – There once was a time in this great nation where a gentleman’s club was the place to go see some unadulterated live entertainment. But those times have changed. 2 words for you my friend: Web – Cam! You can have girls shaking and pretending to cream themselves right on your computer, in the privacy of your own home. So why go to a strip club? But lets think about whose really suffering because of this. Especially in an unstable economy. Strippers have to be struggling more than ever. I mean really, how else do you guys expect them to make it to college now?



Published in: on January 29, 2008 at 2:42 am  Leave a Comment  
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