It’s no great secret that Monday mornings are hard on all of us. I, for one, am sitting at my thankless no-nothing shithole of a job, even as we speak. I’m sitting here poor, alone and in crippling financial dire straits from the Mount Everest of student loans I’ve accumulated. I’m sitting here wondering if college was worth it. I’m wondering if I had the right roommate, perhaps things would have been different. With that being said, I ask you this, ‘who would you pick to be your fantasy college roommate?’ (I’ll murder the first the person who dares mention Van Wilder, which is literally the worst movie about college ever made)
These are mine:
10. Thornton Melon – Back to School
The Melon
He became a world renown entrepreneur with his chain of Tall & Fat stores, he’s a master of “The Triple Lindy”, he partied with Robert Downey Jr (and probably started that famous heroin addiction of his), he’s rolling in money and he once told the great Kurt Vonnegut to go fuck himself. The number Ten spot for Greatest College Roommate goes to Mr. Thornton Melon aka Rodney “I gets no respect” Dangerfield, a national treasure and personally one of my favorite comedians of all time.
Classic Lines:
“Bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until somebody passes out. And then bring one every ten minutes.”
“And another thing, Vonnegut! I’m gonna stop payment on the check!”
“The football team at my high school, they were tough. After they sacked the quarterback, they went after his family.”
“[chiming in] Hard work? Listen, Sherlock! While you were tucked away up here working on your ethics, I was out there busting my hump in the REAL world. And the reason guys like you got a place to teach is ’cause guys like me donate buildings.”
9. Billy Madison – Billy Madison
"Ta-ta-ta-today Junior!"
“Oh Billy Billy Billy I hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for….” No truer words have ever been spoken. And Billy did find what he was looking for, he called the shit “poop”, completed grades K through 12, fucked the hottie and enacted sweet revenge against his corporate counterpart. The man loved the good things in life, Snack Packs, Nudey Magazine Day and Bora-fill.
Classic Lines:
“You ain’t cool unless you pee your pants.”
Lunch Lady: “Have some more sloppy joes. I made ’em extra sloppy for yous. I know how yous kids like ’em sloppy.” Billy: “Lady, you’re scaring us.”
“There’s a nice piece of shit.”
“Shampoo is better. I go on first and clean the hair. Conditioner is better. I leave the hair silky and smooth. Oh, really, fool? Really!……… Stop looking at me swan!”
“You got a pet. You got a responsibility.’ If your dog is lost you don’t look for an hour then call it quits. You get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog!”
8. Nick Charles – The Thin Man
Now I realize that this number 8 spot might be a little bit of a stretch for some of you out there but trust me, Nicky Charles is a fucking hard-drinking wise-ass with a bombshell sugar momma! He’s got a wicked sense of humor and he’s the best person to have around when the chips are down. He’s unflappable plain and simple, and he knows more booze related jokes than anyone in cinema history. An ex-cop who married into enormous wealth, Nicky now spends his time drinking all day, banging his woman and playing with his highly intelligent terrier Asta. He’s my role model in every way shape and form.
Classic Lines:
“I haven’t the time. I’m much too busy seeing that you don’t lose any of the money I married you for.”
“Now don’t make a move or that dog will tear you to shreds.”
“Hey, would you mind putting that gun away? My wife doesn’t care, but I’m a very timid fellow.”
Reporter: “Well, can’t you tell us anything about the case?”
Nick Charles: “Yes, it’s putting me way behind in my drinking.”
“The important thing is the rhythm. Always have rhythm in your shaking. Now a Manhattan you shake to fox-trot time, a Bronx to two-step time, a dry martini you always shake to waltz time.”
7. Peter Venkman – Ghostbusters
That’s DOCTOR Pete Venkman, and he was a co-founder of New York City’s own Ghostbusters. As a born ladies man, there’s no doubt he’d hook you up with most of his leftover trim. On top of that he’s a parapsychology research professor (so you know he’d be churning out those term papers like buttah). Venkman you gave Walter Peck shit every fucking minute and I think you for it, I hate that man, especially in Die Hard.
Classic Lines:
“All right! This chick is TOAST!”
“Let’s show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown!”
“Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria!”
“We’ve been going about this all wrong. This Mr. Stay Puft’s okay! He’s a sailor, he’s in New York; we get this guy laid, we won’t have any trouble!”
“We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!”
“Yes it’s true, this man has no dick.”
“She’s not my girlfriend. I find her interesting because she’s a client and because she sleeps above her covers… four feet above her covers. She barks, she drools, she claws!”
“You’re gonna endanger us, you’re gonna endanger our client – the nice lady, *who paid us in advance*, before she became a dog…”
6. Frank Ricard – Old School
"Once it hits your lips, it's so good!"
I know there’s a lot of readers out there who LOVE the film Old School, I’m going to go on record and say that I LIKE old school, I don’t LOVE Old School, none the less, Will Farrell as “Frank the Tank” deserves his spot on this list and he shall have it.
Frank quickly realized that married life wasn’t for him, and although his wife was throughly fuckable, he instead opted to live out his days as a part-time Jello-wrestling referee, part-time streaker, part-time mechanic, part-time singer, part-time gymnast, and full-time party animal! Number 7 is yours! FRANK THE TANK, FRANK THE TANK!!
Classic Lines:
“You tell anyone about this and I’ll fucking kill you. I’m kidding, I’m kidding, we’ll have him home by midnight.”
“I’ll be in the neighborhood later on, and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get some frozen yogurt, or perhaps a whole meal of food, if that would be agreeable.”
“Anything? Well, uh I guess I, deep down, am feeling a little confused. I mean, suddenly, you get married, and you’re supposed to be this entirely different guy. I don’t feel different. I mean, take yesterday for example. We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely. And uh, I happen to look over at a certain point during the meal and see a waitress taking an order, and I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton, underpants. But I sort of think well maybe they’re silk panties, maybe it’s a thong. Maybe it’s something really cool that I don’t even know about. You know, and uh, and I started feeling… what? what I thought we were in the trust tree in the nest, were we not?”
“Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we’re going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don’t know, I don’t know if we’ll have enough time.”
Frank: “Blue, do you trust that I do not want to see you die here tonight?”
Blue: “Yes, sir.”
Frank: “Blue, you’re my boy!”
5. E.L. – Road Trip
Let’s face it, Seann William Scott as E.L. in Road Trip or as Stiffler in American Pie is basically the same dude, in both instances the best parts of shitty movies. Foul-mouthed drunk always down for an adventure. He took three fingers up his crack while selling sperm for gas money, he stole a shortbus meant to shuttle around blind kids, and jumped a 1989 Ford Taurus over a bridge without a second thought. E.L. you’re a testament to the college dream, and if you’re character were real he’d no-doubt be the top gynecologist in the upper New York State area.
Classic Lines:
“Think about it Josh, you’re in college. The window of opportunity to drink and do drugs and take advantage of young girls is getting smaller by the day.”
“Yep. I’d give us about 20 minutes before our first ass-raping.”
“It ain’t easy beings Josh’s penis. Nothing has happened for two months it feels like I’m in a coma. I wish I was your dick EL, because this is torture. If something doesn’t happen soon, I’m just going to pack up my balls and leave.”
“Invested? Who are you, Charles Schwab? Would you listen to yourself? I would give my life for one night of consensual sex with her.”
“Barry, hit the lights, it’s boner time!”
“You’re already cheating! Anytime you pass up sex, you’re cheating on yourself.”
“What else am I supposed to do, stay here and learn?”
4. James “Droz” Andrews – PCU
Few of us really give PCU the comedic credit it deserves, not to mention the best use of the song RoadRunner in any movie. Sure Jeremy Piven, aka “Droz”, looks to be about 40 years old, but that’s ok, cuz he’s still the man. Personally, I can see myself living in “The Pit” and having a fucking wild college time with him and the rest of the rag tag PCU gang. He sold fireworks, drugs and term papers. As well, he was a 7 Year Super Senior and loved his beloved Port Chester University. He got the girl, fucked over the Dean and showed the Pre-Frosh that life at PCU was fucking amazing and well worth the tuition. Droz, me and you would rip shit up and start legends, that’s why you get number 4.
Classic Lines:
“What’s this? You’re wearing the shirt of the band you’re going to see? Don’t be that guy.”
“He’s finishing his senior thesis. Pigman is trying to prove the Caine-Hackman theory. No matter what time it is, 24 hours a day, you can find a Michael Caine or Gene Hackman movie playing on TV.”
“All right right, whaddya need? Bottle rockets, dental dams, Redi Wips, term papers?”
“Well, here’s all you need to know. Classes: nothing before eleven. Beer: it’s your best friend, you drink a lot. Women? You’re a freshman, so it’s pretty much out of the question. Will you have a car?”
“Go to sleep! Why won’t you just go to sleep!”
“Now it’s true, the majority of the students these days are so cravenly PC that they wouldn’t know a good time if it was sitting on their face, but: there is one thing that will always unite us with them: they’re young! They’ve got the same raging hormones, they’ve got the same self-destructive desire to get boldly trashed and wildly out of control. Look out that window! That is not a protest. It is a cry for help! They’re begging us! Please have a party! Feed us drinks! Get us laid!!!”
3. Tommy Callahan – Tommy Boy
Holy Schnikies! (wrong movie)
“Don’t you remember you told me you loved me baby! You said you’d be coming back this way again Baby. Baby baby baby baby ohhh baby, I LOVE you”, echoed across the highway as Tommy tried desperately to save his late father’s auto parts factory. Fat, lovable and boisterous, Tommy would be a great addition to any college dorm. He’s THAT GUY, you know the one, up all night drinking Tabasco and tipping cows. As long as I’d get the top bunk I’d be fine rooming with him.
Classic Lines:
“I swear I’ve seen a lot of stuff in my life, but that… was… awesome!”
“Hey, I’ll tell you what. You can get a good look at a butcher’s ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn’t you rather to take his word for it?”
“You better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesn’t pick up, cos I’ll come over there, and jam an oar up your ass!”
“Do you know where the weight room is? I’ll check it out.”
“Richard, who’s your favorite little rascal? Alfalfa?… Or is it SPANKY?”
“If I wanted a kiss I’d have called your mother.”
(singing) “Fat man in a little coat, fat man in a little coat.”
2. Delta House – The Entire Cast of Animal House
Toga, Toga, Toga, TOGA!
I’m pretty sure this shit here is self explanatory. But just incase you people needed reconvincing watch this clip.
Classic Lines:
*On a side note, from the day I saw this movie, until the last day of college, I always hoped it would become a reality. Sadly college life compared little to that of Faber University.*
1. Ferris Bueller – Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Bueller, Ferris Bueller
The man is legendary in real life! And that’s saying something considering he’s just a character in a movie. I don’t even want to think about how much ass Matthew Brodderick got from this one role alone. Ferris Bueller is every man’s hero plain and simple. We all saw the anarchy he could he could raise as a 17 year old kid, one could only fantasize about the unimaginable awesomry he could cause as your college roommate.
Danke Schoen, Darling Danke Schoen
Sloan Peterson was just the tip of the pussy-iceburg, you can bet your butter ass that college babes would be on him like soot on a chimney sweep. A person could survive off his leftovers for generations!
It is his love, it is his passion
He got revenge on Rooney, made friends with his depressed twin-sister, showed Cameron a good time, drove a Ferrari and acted like a man! For these reasons Ferris Bueller has been graced with the number ONE spot. SAVE FERRIS!
Classic Lines:
“The question isn’t “what are we going to do,” the question is “what aren’t we going to do?”
“Anything is peaceful from one thousand, three hundred and fifty-three feet.”
“Life goes by pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”
“Not that I condone fascism, or any -ism for that matter. -Ism’s in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, “I don’t believe in The Beatles, I just believe in me.” Good point there. After all, he was the walrus. I could be the walrus. I’d still have to bum rides off people.”
“Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you’d have a diamond.”
Buzzer Recording: “Oh, I’m sorry. I can’t come to the door right now. I’m afraid that in my weakened condition, I could take a nasty spill down the stairs and subject myself to further school absences. You can reach my parents at their places of business. Thank you for stopping by. I appreciate your concern for my well-being. Have a nice day!”
“I do have a test today. that wasn’t bullshit. It’s on European socialism. I mean, really, what’s the point? I’m not European. I don’t plan on being European. So who cares if they’re socialists? They could be fascist anarchists. It still doesn’t change the fact that I don’t own a car.”
Rooney Eats It
– Mike James
(Eat a dick Rooney)
*New lists to look forward to:
1. Top Ten Criminals
2.
Top Ten Anti-Heroes
3.
Top Ten War Buddies
4.
Top Ten Pieces of Ass
5. Top Ten Villains
*Previous Lists:
1. Top Ten Cops You’d Team Up To Work a Case With
And This Is My America? 
