Oh Marty, How’s About We Give Happiness a Shot (no pun intended)

So it’s Martin Luther King Day and where am I?  Sitting at home with a hot titty in one hand, a cold beer in the other?  NOPE.  At the local dive shining a bar stool with my ass?  WRONG AGAIN…  You faggots guessed it, I’m at work, shoveling shit!  Not precisely what Doctor King had in mind for me I’d say.  I never actually heard his “I Have A Dream” speech in its entirety, but if his dreams are anything like mine, they revolve around mountains of cocaine, lottery winnings, fast cars and an incredibly intoxicated Elisha Cuthbert.

Good God Almighty

But enough of this dream bullshit, I live in the real world, and in the real world my skinny ass is working.  Well working, writing this jackass post and staring longingly at that sweet photograph I posted above.  Elisha sweetheart, I’ll possess you one day.  Bitch, I’ll own you like my Hasidic landlord owns my apartment building, inside and out babe, inside and out.

Usually, at this sweatshop I call a job, we get out relatively early on the holidays which we’re forced to work.  I’m not getting any goddamn OT to be wasting what’s left of my youth here today, so I like to think getting out a few hours early isn’t that big a deal.  Of course 95% of my office isn’t here, it’s just my team and my boss;  I’ll call this lanky ovarian cyst “Reba” for anonymity’s sake.  Everyone else has slept in, the streets are empty.  Hell anyone making over $3.25 an hour is in the comfort of their own home, farting under the sheets and pulling them over an unsuspecting lover’s head.  Everyone laughs, they dry hump for a few minutes then once again it’s off to dreamland.  Not me though.  I’m here.

Like I said, usually we get out early on the holidays.  But what does Reba, my fucking rock-a-billy dyke of boss do?  She says “when AND IF, she deems fit” we can leave early.  Which basically is her telling the staff that we’re powerless to repel the stagnant waft of her stinking saggy vagina until she feels like putting the lid back on that cauldron between her legs.  I mean what the motherfuck?  Martin Luther King Jr., this poor bastard gets his ass shot off while he’s trying to enjoy a smoke outside his hotel room and for what?!  He dies fighting for civil rights and here I am getting my rectum violated all over the workplace!  I got the system’s foot so far up my boney white ass I got a Nike swoosh tattooed on the roof of my mouth. 

Sad days.

– Mike James

Damn It Feels Good To Be a Gangsta

I just got back from a 95 minute lunch break. Now my job isn’t anything special, in fact it’s downright shitty, so if you think I work in the type of place that allows for a 95 minute lunch break you’re dead wrong. But on days like today I sometimes can’t help but escape from the office in the middle of the afternoon and seek refuge in the cosy confines of a cheap bar. Not Flingers, or Chotchkie’s, or any of the other fictitious TGIF-esque eateries of Office Space fame. Nope, the place I went to was a small dumpy haven known as Desmond’s. Now don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Desmond’s, despite it being a dump, because it’s my dump. It’s brightly lit, which is uncommon for a bar, and the drinks are as cheap as the waitresses. It affords me the convenience of near instantaneous obliteration as well as semi-comfortable surroundings reminiscent of a 1950’s Union Hall.

Jimmy "Desmond" Hoffa

Now, anyone who knows me personally, understands that I’d sooner spend 95 minutes trying to fish my apartment keys out of an outhouse shitter than spend it sitting at my desk. I’d rather do anything than sit at my desk. If someone came walking into my office right now and said, “Attention! We’re gonna need everyone to form TWO LINES, the line on the LEFT is for lube-less prostate exams. The line on the RIGHT is to continue working”. Which would you choose? Because I’d choose the ass fisting. That’s how much I hate it here. I’ve got a serious case of the Mondays, and since I’m a bitter motherfucker, I hope you all do as well.

two chicks at the same time man

– Mike James
(who obviously watched Office Space last night)