Hillbillies Love To Find Themselves Some Big Foot

I know I’m a little late to the whole Big Foot story but I’ve been busy not being a fucking retard.  It’s downright amazing what passes for actual news in this day and age.  Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer claimed to have discovered the actual body of Big Foot, no doubt while trolling through the backwoods of Georgia looking for confused overweight white men to molest.

“Squeeeeeal like a pig!”

Apparently these two inbreds, who seem to have been born wearing flannel, stumbled upon the body of the ever elusive Sasquatch, then summarily stuffed his rotting carcass into an empty beer cooler latched on the back of their pick up truck.  Before you could say “Texas Tea”, Flotsam and Jetsam were before a press conference telling the world their shocking story complete with the frozen body of a Robin Williams in a gorilla mask.  Ha ha, gorilla mask.

Lets assume for a moment that this could have been remotely true.  In real life these two yokels wouldn’t have been sober enough to pull their boots on the right feet, let alone spot a shit brown gorilla knee deep in a pile of dead leaves.  Their moon-shined soaked brains would have packed up the truck and sat it in drinking beers and listening to Hank Williams tunes for four hours before realizing three of the wheels were still up on cinder blocks.  With their bow hunting trip ruined, Whitton and Dyer would have had a barefoot wrasslin match while their delighted kin folk leered on a hootin’ and a hollerin’.

Had their story actually been true, the medical examiner would most likely be using a turkey baster right now to siphon Matt Whitton and Rick Dyer’s crusty ejaculate from the decomposing rectal cavity of this once majestic urban legend.  But surprisingly their story turned out to be utter crap.  I for one was completely taken aback, I was dangerously close to deleting my subscription to squatchdetective.com, thinking the search was over.  Luckily I uncovered the truth in time.

What’s next?  Oh yeah, this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nda_OSWeyn8

– Mike James