The O’Neal’s Are Batting a Thousand

Tatum & Ryan O'Neal

Believe it or not these two are actually father and daughter, to me it looks like they could be married (feel free to read all about them here).  To say that Hollywood has officially twisted the O’Neal family into a meth-induced pretzel is an understatement.  In his hayday Ryan O’Neal was working for the likes of Stanley Kubrick, but lately his career has taken a major turn for the worse.

Tatum O’Neal hasn’t been doing much better.  Oh how far my sweet Tatum has fallen since the grand old days of Paper Moon, The Bad News Bears and more recently Rescue Me.  I’m here to tell you Tatum that you’ll always be hot to me.  No matter how strung out you get I’ll be here for you.  Reminding the people with short memories that your old man was The Driver.  And you don’t fuck with The Driver (no matter how much it sounds like a movie about golf).

But my patience does have limits, so get your act together baby!  Please don’t go throwing stones at your half brother and father of the year for doing the very shit that you yourself JUST got busted for. 

Ryan & Redmond

Let’s all point the finger where it really belongs, squarely on Farah Fawcett.

– Mike James

Say It Ain’t So Charlie Sheen, Say It Ain’t So…

Mistake #2

Mistake #3

FACT: Charlie Sheen has had a long illustrious career of getting with some of the hottest women of silver screen.  Robin Wright Penn, Wynona Rider and Kelly Preston to name a few.  Even now he can probably still have the pick of the litter, yet he continues to fuck up.

 

We all saw Wild Things back in high school, and sure as the day is long, we all got massive erections.  Denise Richards back in the late 90’s was nothing short of a goddess, Charlie Sheen HIT that.  Luckily the awesomeness of Hollywood dictates that we replace our goddesses on a monthly basis, sometimes weekly.  Do you remember Nikki Cox from Unhappily Ever After?  Of course you don’t!, but at the time you’d have dropped to your knees and snorted 8 yards of cow shit for the opportunity to smell the tail end of her leotard after a sweaty workout.  Same goes for you ladies, remember Luke Perry?  Back in the day you couldn’t throw a handful of nickels without hitting 10 chicks who’d give head to a walrus for the opportunity to meet Luke Perry.  Where is he now?  Fucking skid row that’s where.

But back to Mr. Charles Sheen.

If it’s two things that Charlie Sheen does well it’s bang whores and make babies.  I love the man to death, he’s my hero.  He’s a testament to all the men of the world.  He’s on OUR team.  If you needed Charlie Sheen’s help you can bet your ass he’d give it to you.  (So long as there wasn’t pussy or a line of cocaine in the way).  But as much as I love him I really wish he’d learn his lesson.  He already married and knocked up two lunatics and now he’s gearing up to do it again for the third time! 

Charlie I’m begging you, run for your life!  You can crash on my futon, I’ll even flip it so that the majority of the stains are on the bottom.  You’re the highest paid actor on American television, which means your the highest paid actor on ALL television.  Unless there’s someone on Telemundo that I don’t know about who’s pulling in 30 million pesos an episode, it’s all you brother.  Please please please stop squandering it on alimony and child support!

Charlie my hopes and prayers are with you.

-Mike James