The Fleshlight – A True Sign Of Mankind Settling…

This is what we get?

Some rubber tube with fake pussy lips on the end?

I wouldn’t feel cheated if women weren’t given 100 different types of vibrators and dildos – different sizes and colors and shit.

But somehow…someway…we as men have stood back and let them have all the fun in the world of sex toys…

We have come up with state of the art lawn mowers and barbecues and all sorts of other Tim The Tool Man Taylor-esque stuff to facilitate with day to day manly duties.

But we leave masturbating out?

This seems like settling…

I mean I was all for a Fleshlight until I thought about the one thing no one discusses when they bring it up…the clean up…

Sure its all fun when your cranking that shit like its your job but good look rinsing that motherfucker out in the sink you brush your teeth or wash your dishes in…

Yea…my sentiments exactly…

So we here at And This Is My America have decided to use this economic downturn to modify the technological and economical advancements in sex dolls.

You make think its lame but if you could get a Real Doll for $32.99 every man in America would buy one!!!!

Everyone in America x $32.99….

You do the math guys, you do the math

Logical

D.Smith

Advertisements
Published in: on December 10, 2008 at 10:20 pm  Comments (7)  
Tags: , , , , ,

They Say The Best Things In Life Are Free…

And since we are in a recession…And This Is My America has brought you…

The Top 5 Free Things Of All Time

#5 – The water in the waiting room of any major establishment

I mean lets be real…in 2008 this is one of the last perks standing…This shit has been a guarantee since the 1800’s…its a standard…I gotta pay that co-payment or fee? Well, the least you could do is provide me with a free beverage to wet my pallet while I swallow that bill…Doctors office right down to the Planned Parenthood waiting room…your getting fucked either way…

#4 – The Real Estate brochures on the way out of your local grocery store

These handy pieces of shit are always great for killing flies…picking up dog shit…. breaking up weed in a car…and of course for their actual purpose…if your looking for a house or apartment in the neighborhood of the grocery store you are in…

#3 – The mints on the way out of a diner or restaurant 

I take advantage of this all the time…I’m not taking mints for just that one meal that I actually paid for…I’m stashing shit man…I’m taking like 2 for me…one for my girl…5 for next week…and 3 for the jacket or jeans I am wearing at the moment…so next time I go to the bar I can reach in on the way out and be like “Boom, now I don’t smell like a complete degenerate…”

…Yes I’m that guy…

#2 – Any type of “open bar” 

It’s one thing to get some free water while you wait for the doctor, but its another thing to get top shelf liquor just because your shithead friend decided to get married…this shit is the besttttt!!!! Especially when it’s a company event for a job you hate…wow…talk about taking advantage…

#1 – Sex!!!

This one is a toss up…Simply because I will get a lot of haters saying “I pay for sex allll the time…”

Well…

That’s on you loser…

For the rest of us pretty motherfuckers…the shits free…

And I mean sure you may have to wine and dine your prospect…or keep in tune with the latest fashion or get a fresh haircut…but if it’s that or paying for some hookers…Bloomingdales and Lemon Tree it is mo’fucker!!!

P.S. This one goes out to my boy Neil over at 1000awesomethings.com…I know I can’t crank out a 1000 awesome things like you guys…but 5 is good enough for a bitter stoner!!!!

Logical

D.Smith

Published in: on October 17, 2008 at 11:02 pm  Comments (2)  
Tags: , , , , , ,

The True Annoyance of Being the “Best Man”

I have been tasked with the unfortunate job of chauffeuring one of my best friends into the unknown oblivion that is commonly referred to as “The Institution of Marriage“. 

The Best Man? More Like The Better Man!

The Best Man? More Like The Better Man!

As his best friend, who’s known him 5 times longer than his bride to be, I find it hard to deny my urges to save him from himself.  Yet, after numerous attempts, warnings and threats, he’s stated to me that he’s determined to go down this moronic path, with or without my help. 

I’ve sacrificed my time, my dignity and my very soul in order to be there for him.  But most importantly, I’ve sacrificed the only thing on this Earth I hold truly dear………  And that’s my sweet cash.

Monetary $acrifices I’ve been forced to make because this louse found Love:

1. Engagement Party– Unbeknownst to me, with an engagement party comes an engagement present.  An engagement present?  Are you fucking kidding me?  I gotta dish these two out a gift just for planning to get married?  Where is the line?  When’s the last time you gave your buddy a present just because he or she met someone?  NEVER that’s when.  But tradition says “when you get married you get a present every time you take a shit”.  If that’s the case then I’m gonna have an engagement party every year.  It’ll be like a second Christmas, I’ll have one every June 25th!  Once my friends forked over the goods, I’d let a few months go by and call off the matrimony.  Meanwhile I’d be sitting on a mountain of candy, booze and toys!

2. Bachelor Party – Kick ass!  Strippers, hotel, hooch, gambling (in our case) and lots of laughs.  As much fun as it was it still cost me close to 500 bucks, and that was just my share (which was a lion’s since I’m the Best Man In the Land).  This motherfucker hasn’t even gotten a marriage license yet and it’s already cost me $650 smackeroos.

3. Tuxedo Fitting/Tuxedo Rental – $185 bucks people.  That’s roughly two hundred dollars to simply put on a suit that God knows how many other people have gone commando in.  Let’s break it down, from the minute I put that tuxedo on, roughly 11:00 AM, til the minute I take that tuxedo off (hopefully to bang away on a hottie bridesmaid) around 1:00 or 2:00 AM, it’s two bills.  That’s maybe 13 hours, at 200 dollars that’s about 15 bones an hour!  Would you pay 15 dollars an hour to wear a Halloween costume?  I don’t fucking think so.

4. Rehearsal Dinner – Surprisingly this is basically the only occasion associated with the fucking wedding that’s not going to cost me shit but gas money.  BUT with the gas prices soaring through the roof there’s a good chance I’m going to have to throw down 40 dollars just to fill up my old man’s gas guzzler. 

5. Wedding Day – Wedding present.  Need I say more?  I’m a man, and a true friend.  And a true friend doesn’t buy shit off the registry, he goes full throttle and he gives his boy the only thing he knows his boy needs.  And that’s cold hard cash.  Enough cash for Julia Roberts, circa Pretty Woman, to come back to your hotel room and suck your balls up and down for an entire evening.  Anything less would be an insult to the rank of Detective Lieutenant Best Friend in the Universe.

And finally….

6. The Speech – As the Best Man I’ve got to stand before the entire crowd and deliver a concise speech that details the chronicling of our entire friendship.  I’ve got three minutes to verbally traverse 15 years of time WITHOUT cursing OR bringing up any disgusting sexual acts.  Anyone who knows me can tell you that I curse as often as a bird chirps.  It’s in my DNA, me and swearing are like old people and apple sauce, we GET ALONG.

 

**Tonight I leave my beloved New York City to head back home and get this fiasco under way.  I’ve made it halfway through the list and by this time tomorrow I’ll be on my way to completing #4.  By this time next week all this stinking mess will be over.  My buddy will be on a cruise ship heading for the Caribbean and I’ll be back at my shitty job paying off this bastard’s happiness for the next 6 months.

With my luck he’ll be dead by the time I get married and he’ll never know the pain I went through.

– Mike James
(The Bestest Man In The Motherfucking Land)

Published in: on October 8, 2008 at 3:33 pm  Comments (3)  
Tags: , , , ,

Say It Ain’t So Charlie Sheen, Say It Ain’t So…

Mistake #2

Mistake #2

Mistake #3

Mistake #3

FACT: Charlie Sheen has had a long illustrious career of getting with some of the hottest women of silver screen.  Robin Wright Penn, Wynona Rider and Kelly Preston to name a few.  Even now he can probably still have the pick of the litter, yet he continues to fuck up.

 

We all saw Wild Things back in high school, and sure as the day is long, we all got massive erections.  Denise Richards back in the late 90’s was nothing short of a goddess, Charlie Sheen HIT that.  Luckily the awesomeness of Hollywood dictates that we replace our goddesses on a monthly basis, sometimes weekly.  Do you remember Nikki Cox from Unhappily Ever After?  Of course you don’t!, but at the time you’d have dropped to your knees and snorted 8 yards of cow shit for the opportunity to smell the tail end of her leotard after a sweaty workout.  Same goes for you ladies, remember Luke Perry?  Back in the day you couldn’t throw a handful of nickels without hitting 10 chicks who’d give head to a walrus for the opportunity to meet Luke Perry.  Where is he now?  Fucking skid row that’s where.

But back to Mr. Charles Sheen.

If it’s two things that Charlie Sheen does well it’s bang whores and make babies.  I love the man to death, he’s my hero.  He’s a testament to all the men of the world.  He’s on OUR team.  If you needed Charlie Sheen’s help you can bet your ass he’d give it to you.  (So long as there wasn’t pussy or a line of cocaine in the way).  But as much as I love him I really wish he’d learn his lesson.  He already married and knocked up two lunatics and now he’s gearing up to do it again for the third time! 

Charlie I’m begging you, run for your life!  You can crash on my futon, I’ll even flip it so that the majority of the stains are on the bottom.  You’re the highest paid actor on American television, which means your the highest paid actor on ALL television.  Unless there’s someone on Telemundo that I don’t know about who’s pulling in 30 million pesos an episode, it’s all you brother.  Please please please stop squandering it on alimony and child support!

Charlie my hopes and prayers are with you.

-Mike James